25 February, 2011

Who can be a Dominant?

Well, as I’ve often mentioned here on this blog... I’m more into a real life, perhaps fifty-ish kind of action guy... It’s what appeals to me.

No, we don’t have yellow and black tile in the bathroom. No, we don’t have a Felix the cat clock over the kitchen sink with swaging tail. (wish we did). However, it’s not that I can’t appreciate Goth type activities or that sort of thing… but it’s not the hot, high flame that lights my candle.

One of the spanko places I visit on a regular basis is the Spanking Classics discussion boards. There are a few things that I find welcoming about the site. For one, it’s not dark. Yeah, I don’t like dark. The whole black leather, black lipstick, black implements sort of thing just doesn’t appeal to me.

Being a wannabe real life 50-ish guy carries the basic fact that is that real life happens in broad daylight. Often, without warning, staging or advance notice. Well yeah, warning or advance notice can be exciting. Especially if intermixed on occaision to keep the spankee off-balance. You know, mind games can build intensity.But I suppose the point I'm trying to make is that real life in the kitchen or bedroom trumps the Vampire dungeon.

In fact speaking about ‘dark’… although not a ‘Trek-ie’… I believe that the one reason “Deep Space Nine”, “Enterprise” & “Voyager” failed is because they all tried to use what could be described as “Dark Sets”, almost Goth or BDSM-ish. Great for BDSM (which some of them suggested in some eppisodes) but not great for SciFi and not an element in the original series or “The Next Generation”.

But I digress…

I’ll expound on a response to a post on the Spanking Classics Discussion board.

The Question:
I have been into spanking for as long as I can remember and for years I have longed for a DD relationship. Recently I met a nice 19 year old (I am 29) spanko from my city and we got really close and I ended up spanking her a few times. Despite being really close she felt something wasn't clicking. Later we discovered that she felt that I wasn't as dominant as I appeared online and that my lecturing isn't as effective as when I write to her.

I am not a wimp by any means. I am quite masculine but I am not an alpha male and never will be. I am very protective and caring and she loves it when I hold her and make her feel safe after a spanking. However I really want to try and develop a more dominant side and become better at lecturing. My voice is quite calm and relaxing, which is good if you aren't scolding someone!.

Do you think it is possible to have a DD relationship with a submissive even if I am not typically dominant.

My edited response:

Perhaps the one reason role play doesn't appeal to me at all. I have many aspects of my personality that can come off as being dominant. So if I let my dominant nature remain on the surface, it’s difficult for someone to dominate me. However, when I feel a connection that involves someone who I know loves me, I crave being able to submit.

I don't think Dominance has to come off as an 'A' type, or requires harsh demanding tones. I think the most valuable aspect of scolding/lecturing is… sincerity. Therefor, my opinion can be summed up by saying anyone is is in love can be dominant and sincere if the subject of their potential wrath is someone they love.

Scolding becomes effective when you actually manage to connect with an aspect of behavior that the sub/bottom hasn't considered. For example drinking and driving can easily be scolded for when part of your scolding is to tell the recipient that they are now ordered to take lots of photos/be photographed often so there will something for their children to remember them with.

The same sort of comment can be used with failing to take care of one's health, take prescribed meds, exercise etc. But most important to generate the dynamic that you are striving for, it's important to actually project your disappointment, your care and your refusal to let the subject get away with it without your intervention.
So my advice for the dominant:

When you are sincere, don't drone on in a monotone with dialogue that bores and You actually want to speak dialog that lets the subject understand that you do care...

You can get more tears flowing in the corner than the following spanking can ever make.

Also a subject that will not only be a happy spanko with a sore bottom but also one who just may quickly learn to not only crave a sore bottom but actually even the forgiveness that you provide only after a spanking.

Ultimately if you do DD, the disappointment becomes the main source of pain from a spanking. The ass isn’t actually spanked, the brain is what is spanked… The ass is merely a very good and available conduit to the brain. When my mostly submissive lady has good cause to be pissed she has no problem at all knowing what to do about it and there is no doubt at all I’ll soon have a VERY sore ass.

She hasn’t managed to break down my wall and get tears flowing, but long before implement meets skin I crave her forgiveness. Scolding isn’t a major component of spanking for either of us no matter who’s doing the spanking, but there is never any doubt that it can, (when used properly) be very effective and right on target.
So, circumstance and not dominant nature create the true dominant in my humble opinion for things that are real life, and not role play.
BTW, if you visit Spanking Classics and join there, my ID on that board is 'Bendover'.

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