05 November, 2010

Good Question v 2.0

Hisboss asked what I consider another great question on the Fetlife F/M Spanking group page, here it is:

I have another question. How many guys try to "control" the spanking? Not sure how to say it...Like, saying that's not hard enough or you have a "candy arm" etc...I guess I am trying to say "top from the bottom"? It happened a few times in my experience with the hubby but I figured it out pretty fast. Now I don't let him have the opportunity to top at all, I "ambush" him so there is no time to think about it. I'd be interested in your viewpoints on this one.

My response:

I suppose to a certain extent when an activity is initiated by someone being submissive who wants to be dominated, that can be considered topping from the bottom.


Once the activity begins what I think happens with most F/M couples the sub/bottom/male wants to have control taken away... Unconditionally.

I for example want complete control taken by my fine lady as far as her spanking me, it's all up to her and I don't remember which one of us started the ball rolling in this direction, but it can not be stopped.
  • She chooses if and when I'm spanked... I have no say in the matter.
  • She chooses how and where I'm going to be spanked... I have no say in the matter.
  • She chooses what I'm spanked with... I have no say in the matter.
  • She chooses how long the spanking will last... I have no say in the matter.
  • She chooses if I'll still feel the spanking all day or all week... I have no say in the matter.
  • She chooses if it will be one spanking or multiple spankings... I have no say in the matter.
  • She chooses what the rules are and what earns a spanking... I have no say in the matter.

The thing is we are beyond safe words, there are none. If I have a health issue, perhaps I start to have trouble breathing or a bed rail is digging in my side I can stop the spanking just long enough for the issue to be resolved. I can't stop, reschedule or worse refuse a spanking. Any attempt at any of these things will earn me either extra or extra severe.

I suppose the big difference with many DDish or FLR relationships compared to other more typical activities that may be "run of the mill BDSMish" activities is that after the initial get the learning curve out of the way... we want consent to go out the window.

The well known mantra of the BDSM community is Safe, Sane and Consensual. Perhaps what’s different with those of who get involved in DDish things however is that many of us appear to want what is better called consensual non-consent.

So, it's not your typical 'scene' and not your typical lifestyle.

Yeah, it becomes a 24/7 thing in a lot of respects and also in some respects it can become less active the further one gets into the activity.

There becomes a point where one knows without a doubt that certain things will guarantee a sore bottom.

There becomes a point where one knows without a doubt that certain things will guarantee a very, very sore bottom.

There becomes a point where one knows that the consequence becomes so effective that one learns to behave better.

There becomes a point where one will brat to get consequences as a matter of getting attention because they may feel there hasn't been enough attention or maybe more precisely, care. Usually, that translates into random bratting, displays of temper or just bad attitude. That could happen if there hasn't been maintenance, or just not the right amount of it.

That last one is the big one. Because once the DD lifestyle is in full swing, it can come full circle and that might be a sign that the bottom is attempting to do what they did in the first place... They may be looking for the reset button.
Not that the bottom is challenging the Top's authority but challenging them to do what they did at the beginning and again take control. That's often considered a form of Topping from the bottom, and it's not what we really want to do.

When this happens the Top must use communication to make sure that trust is still there, questioning the bottom to make sure this is still what they really want. Confirming expectation, finding out if the bottom was expecting more or even less and once that connection is truly confirmed perhaps incorporate and adjust a new or renewed maintenance routine, reviewing it with regularity.

1 comment:

  1. I know I've been far too controlling in our relationship and we're working hard at trying to change that. To the point that now Mistress decides when and how I am punished. Ironically I've just posted some simlar thoughts on our own blog, with a comment from Mistress which tends to suggest I'm still being too controlling. I think it's great you are both in the situation now where your Mistress controls you and decides the level of punishment - and that you have no safe word. That's been an imprtant part of our relationship. Even if I am too controlling overall, there's no way to stop punishment once it starts (execpt in emergency) becasue otherwise there's nothing to be learned from the experience. I trust here and accpet her discipline - even if I still tend to initiate the punihsment in the first place.
    I love your 'consensual non-consent' moniker.